Continuing Bonds
Grief and Loss · Easy to moderate — the practices feel natural to many grievers; the harder part is giving yourself permission in a culture that pressures 'moving on' · Varies — rituals can be brief (5 minutes) or extended; this is an ongoing orientation rather than a fixed practice
What is Continuing Bonds?
A bereavement approach that challenges the old idea that healthy grief means 'letting go' and 'moving on' from the deceased. Instead, continuing bonds theory (Klass, Silverman, Nickman, 1996) shows that maintaining an ongoing, evolving connection with the person who died is not only normal but can be healing. The relationship doesn't end at death — it transforms. You find new ways to carry that person with you as you grow.
Is there evidence for it?
EVIDENCEModerate. Foundational qualitative and clinical evidence from Klass, Silverman & Nickman (1996). Widely endorsed in bereavement counseling. Some quantitative studies show positive grief adjustment linked to continuing bonds, though Stroebe et al. (2012) note methodological limitations. The approach is now mainstream in grief counseling but formal RCTs are limited.
How do you do Continuing Bonds?
- 1.Give yourself permission to stay connected: Reject any advice that says you need to 'let go' or 'move on.' Research shows that maintaining bonds with the deceased provides comfort and support in coping with loss. The goal is not to sever the relationship but to transform it from a relationship of presence to a relationship of memory and meaning
- 2.Create intentional rituals of connection: Talk to the deceased person (out loud or in your mind). Write them letters. Visit meaningful places. Cook their recipes. Celebrate their birthday. Light a candle on significant dates. These rituals aren't 'holding on' pathologically — they're honoring a relationship that was real and continues to matter
- 3.Carry forward their legacy: Ask yourself: 'What did this person teach me? What values did they embody that I want to carry forward?' Integrate their positive qualities into your own life. This might mean volunteering for a cause they cared about, telling their stories to others, or living by a principle they exemplified
- 4.Allow the bond to evolve: Your relationship with the deceased isn't frozen in time. Just as you change, your understanding of them and what they meant to you deepens and shifts. At 30, you might appreciate different aspects of a parent than you did at 20. Revisit memories with fresh eyes as you grow
- 5.Watch for unhealthy patterns: Continuing bonds is healthy when it coexists with engagement in current life. If maintaining the bond prevents you from forming new relationships, functioning daily, or adapting to your changed reality — if you're 'living in the past' rather than 'carrying the past forward' — that may signal a need for professional support
How long does it take?
Varies — rituals can be brief (5 minutes) or extended; this is an ongoing orientation rather than a fixed practice.
Is it hard to start?
Easy to moderate — the practices feel natural to many grievers; the harder part is giving yourself permission in a culture that pressures 'moving on'.
Source: Dennis Klass, Phyllis Silverman & Steven Nickman, 'Continuing Bonds: New Understandings of Grief' (1996); What's Your Grief; The Loss Foundation
grief · bereavement · connection · legacy · rituals · meaning-making · ongoing-practice
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