Repair Attempt Toolkit

What is Repair Attempt Toolkit?

Gottman's research shows that the ability to make and receive 'repair attempts' during conflict is the single best predictor of whether a relationship will succeed. A repair attempt is any action — humor, an apology, a touch, de-escalation language — that prevents conflict from spiraling. The technique is not about avoiding arguments but about having an agreed-upon toolkit to bring the temperature down.

Is there evidence for it?

How do you do Repair Attempt Toolkit?

1. 1.Create a shared 'repair menu' with your partner: phrases that feel natural and non-threatening (e.g., 'Can we start over?', 'I'm feeling flooded — can I take 20 minutes?')
2. 2.Establish a safe word or gesture that means 'I need to pause this conversation' — both partners commit to honoring it immediately
3. 3.Practice repair attempts during low-stakes disagreements so they become muscle memory before high-stakes fights
4. 4.The receiving partner's job is equally critical: when a repair attempt is offered, accept it — don't punish vulnerability
5. 5.After each resolved conflict, acknowledge what repair worked: 'When you said X, it really helped me calm down'

How long does it take?

30 min to create toolkit, then ongoing.

Is it hard to start?

medium.

This is one entry from the library Shift matches against. It is general information, not advice about you, and nothing on this page came from anyone's conversation.