Bids for Connection (Gottman Turn Toward)

What is Bids for Connection (Gottman Turn Toward)?

One of John Gottman's most practical discoveries is that relationships are built and broken not in grand gestures but in micro-moments called 'bids for connection.' A bid is any attempt to connect — a comment ('Look at that sunset'), a question ('How was your day?'), a sigh, a touch on the arm, even a joke. Partners can respond in three ways: turning toward (engaging with the bid), turning away (ignoring it), or turning against (responding with hostility). Gottman found that couples who divorce turn toward each other 33% of the time; couples who stay together turn toward 86% of the time. The math of love is in the micro-moments.

Is there evidence for it?

How do you do Bids for Connection (Gottman Turn Toward)?

1. 1.Learn to recognize bids — most are not obvious requests for attention. 'Did you see that article about Mars?' is not actually about Mars; it's a bid for shared experience. A sigh from the couch is a bid for inquiry. 'I had such a long day' is a bid for empathy. Start counting bids for one day — you'll be shocked how many you normally miss or dismiss.
2. 2.Practice turning toward as your default response: even if you're busy, acknowledge the bid. 'I want to hear about your day — can you give me 5 minutes to finish this?' is turning toward. Silence or 'mm-hm' without looking up is turning away. 'Can't you see I'm busy?' is turning against. The 5-second acknowledgment costs almost nothing but deposits into the relationship bank.
3. 3.Notice your own bids and how they're received: when you make a bid that gets ignored, notice the feeling (hurt, insignificant, lonely). This awareness builds compassion for when you inadvertently ignore your partner's bids. Share this framework with your partner: 'I learned about this thing called bids — I think it would help if we both paid more attention to them.'
4. 4.Create more bids per day: actively initiate small moments of connection — share something funny, ask a genuine question, offer a cup of tea, send an article they'd like, touch them as you walk past. Increasing bid frequency and positive response rate is the single highest-leverage thing you can do for relationship quality.
5. 5.Run a 'bid audit' weekly: at the end of the week, reflect together or alone on bid patterns. Were there moments you turned away that you could have turned toward? Were there bids from your partner you missed? Were there times you made bids that weren't received? This non-judgmental reflection gradually shifts the ratio toward 86%.

How long does it take?

Continuous micro-awareness, 5 minutes weekly reflection.

Is it hard to start?

easy.

This is one entry from the library Shift matches against. It is general information, not advice about you, and nothing on this page came from anyone's conversation.